When You Eat the Pink Chicken...

So recently my brother got food poisoning at a local hole (let's just say if you were looking for gold on rte. 38, this would be the restaurant to go to), a transgression that in an age when we eat raw tuna and beef from Japan on a regular basis is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.  I've been pretty defensive of restaurant staffers on this blog to this point as you all know I myself am one.  But as a repeat victim of food poisoning as a result of my insatiable addiction to oysters, I'm well aware that this sometimes week-long devastating (not to mention disgusting) illness is usually made worse with the knowledge that it could have been prevented, and it might have been paid for!  Let me tell you what I've learned through my own personal pain so if you are ever in this situation you can be properly compensated for your suffering.

There are two ways to go about this, depending on the restaurant.  ChillMe's, Fry-Daze, Crapplebees, Pizzeria Junos- with any corporate chain gang its easy.  Simply call their corporate 800 hot-line and report what happened.  Be ready with the time and date of the meal and the location, as these slop shops dish up hundreds and thousands of "meals" per day.  The higher ups will know what to do, just let em' take care of ya!

In a privately owned restaurant it you may run into an owner or general manager that's a little less likely to compensate you appropriately, much less admit fault, as they can't afford the insurance that allows them to simply "settle first".  Here's what you do:  Call the place, ask for the general manager.  DO NOT speak with anyone but the GM.  If he or she's not there, leave a message concerning food poisoning and they'll get right back to you.  Begin your conversation by describing the throes of agony you experienced after leaving the restaurant, noting that 95% of food poisoning cases are linked to one's last meal.  The restaurant is absolutely responsible for your doctor bills and prescription costs, and you should be eating there free for a year.  If this doesn't come easily, start talking lost wages and permanent damage to your stomach lining and esophagus; say you'd like to have a dental check-up for acid wear- it will come easy.

Two must dos in the case you suspect restaurant food poisoning:

1.  If you suspect you've bitten into something rotten (raw chicken, like my poor bro, or a funky tasting oyster), get a manager.  If you told me this as your server I'd pull the plate from the table and you'd never see it again.  You want to point out to the manager what you think the problem is and ask him or her if you are going to be sick.  Get the manager to admit that you might become ill (good job Phillip).  Again, with the chains you're in good shape as the manager will have to file an incident report with corporate so they'll be ready for your call.

2.  GO TO THE DOCTOR!!!  Food poisoning can kill you in various unpleasant ways, so get medical attention.  Don't be surprised if you are sent to the emergency room for a nice IV drip.  If you can foot the bill, don't use your medical insurance.  Why let the restaurant get off with reimbursing just a co-pay?  Obviously, keep your receipts together and any documents such as discharge papers with the diagnosis:  FOOD POISONING.

Finally, keep two things in mind:  A little bellyache after a big meal is not food poisoning.  People generally eat richer foods than usual at restaurants, and you might encounter ingredients you're not used to.  I was once laid up for a day after a seven-course dinner at Le Bec Fin.  If you have food poisoning, believe me, you'll know it.  Also, try not to freak out on the server or manager.  We didn't cook it!  As much as I may hate you, I can't simply go into the kitchen and under-cook your food, and I'll probably have to weigh in on the situation later, maybe attend a meeting on my day off.  So please, realize that this situation is going to call my attention away from my other tables and I'm gonna have to work extra hard to rectify it.  Either way I'm making less money and it's not my fault.  For all of this, I'll accept 20%...

Restaurant Fashion: Wearing the Food

So I'm coming to you today live from "The Joint" (you can tell how my lunch shift is going), just lookin' for some inspiration from the restaurant at which I work and trying not to be too bitter about spending the next three days here!

After inadvertently pouring rice pudding all over the chest of my young, female co-worker during a busy Saturday night shift last weekend, let's talk today about how to handle it when a server spills something on you.

I totally understand that it may be your first reaction to freak out if your server dumps something on you;  you were not expecting to shower in a usually particularly hot or cold substance and you may be wearing an expensive and/or irreplaceable garment.   But lets take a second to think about this- you can actually thank your lucky stars for being spilled on!  It is a rare opportunity to demonstrate how patient and understanding you are, especially if you are with business acquaintances or others you don't know very well.

Your server will be mortified upon spilling something on you, and whether your server is male or female, they will likely be crying.  It is also likely they will be afraid to return to the table.  If the manager arrives to tell you this, thank him or her for the concern, but please ask that they send the server back to the table so you can explain to him or her that everybody has accidents, it's no big deal, at least it wasn't boiling oil, etc...

There is no reason to ruin the evening of you and your guests over a clumsy mistake, which is what would happen if you freaked out.  If you handle it like I recommend, everybody at the table will later remark about how kind and patient you are (it NEVER looks good when you treat a server poorly, no matter what for).  So whereas you may want to strangle your server for an act of extreme clumsiness, restrain your violent tendencies and try to understand that we as servers are required to move really quickly with a lot of hot stuff in our hands while doing two or three other things at the same time.  Since the restaurant will always assume the dry-cleaning or replacement cost of the garment, relax and know that it will be taken care of.

And the trauma of spilling something on a restaurant guest is definitely worth 20%, just to show your server your not really mad!

Bring It!!!

BYOBs are a great way to avoid exhorbitant mark-ups on restaurant wine lists, and to ensure you'll have something you enjoy with your dinner.  But the general procedure from top to bottom at BYOBs is a little different so let's discuss it a little, shall we?

First of a all, don't bring every bottle in your collection.  Space in BYOB dining rooms is usually pretty limited and you don't really want your table surrounded by wine bags, etc. for me to trip over, do you?  Also, if your table is covered with bottles and ice buckets, where will I put the food?

Second, if you require any special glassware, go ahead and bring it along.  You're sixteen year old waitress isn't going to recognize your twenty year old Barolo and bring you the "special glasses," so if you can only drink out of Riedel crystal, I'll be happy to rinse it out for you when you're done.  Knowing that a business isn't going to invest in sixty five dollar apiece wine glasses when it doesn't make any money off wine, I always bring my own glasses if I have a special bottle.

Finally, whereas BYOBs are meant for avoiding spending extra money on wine, if your server opens, pours, and maintains your bottle, toss him or her a couple extra bucks.  Remember, servers are not required to even open your bottle at a BYOB, so any additional attention is above and beyond the standard.  And especially at BYOBs, 20% is always accepted.

Don't Spit in the Wind!

So I've received many things over the years in place of money for a tip:  T-shirts, books, half a bottle of wine, a drink waiting for me at the bar after my shift, drugs, etc.  But I got something the other day that inspired me to take a break from the wine education and talk about this.

I served this couple  a late lunch the other day, a couple that was obviously fairly well off.  The BMW keys were on the table, the watches were nice, and they were leafing through a home furnishings magazine for the affluent.  They were very nice, paid with a gold AMEX (which we technically don't even take), and complimented me on my service.  But when I retrieved the credit card slip, a biblical verse was what was written in on the tip line- and there was no cash or any monetary tip involved. I have received prayer cards in the past but they were usually accompanied by at least a couple of bucks.  Not this day. Just a preachy prayer pamphlet that basically attacked Catholicism, the religion under which I was raised.

First, remember that servers make between two and three bucks an hour.  As much as I like to have a drink after work and I especially appreciated that half bottle of vintage Dom Perignon, what if I didn't drink?  And even if my soul needed saving, religion certainly doesn't pay the rent.

Second, if I was religious I would have been offended.  As friendly as I may be, the transaction between the server and guest is purely business, so lets keep the tip in a universal currency please?  Cash works.  And 20% is always accepted.  Til next time...

Time to Wine

So I've been holding back from a digression from etiquette standards to my real area of interest and expertise, but as the semester rolls on and I run out of ideas, I figure its time to talk wine.

First of all, avoid wines by the glass at all costs.  Over the years I've seen the house pours get mixed together, left out and open all night- you get the idea.  Plus most bottles of wine that are served by the glass in restaurants cost between six and nine bucks.  So you usually buy the restaurant the bottle when you order the glass.

If more than one person wants red at dinner then, you should be able to agree on a bottle.  Part of good conversation is talking about what you like, so find something that pairs well with many foods (Pinot Noir, Sangiovese), and something mid-range in price because the mark up  on bottles is not much less that that of wines by the glass.

If you order the bottle, then you've got to taste it, and this does not have to be a grand ceremony.  Here's how to look what you know what you're doing:  When the server presents the bottle, just look for the name and the vintage (year) briefly to ensure it is what you ordered.  When he or she pours you a taste, just swirl it briefly and sniff.  If it smells like something you would want to take a sip of, just tell the server its fine. That's it.  Technically, when I open that bottle, you bought it.  If the bottle is corked (bad), which you should be able to tell by a single sniff, then you may tell me and I will bring you another.  This rarely happens, so let me pour your guests their wine and let's get on with the show!

This is just the start.  I'm takin' this week to talk about wine.  If you wanna learn a lot in a little bit of time, read along.  And if your server opens, pours, and maintains your bottle, 20% is gladly accepted.

P.S.  Any questions about wine in general or ordering it in restaurants- post to my comments and I'll address them!

You Make Me Sick!

So I've been battling bronchitis and a mean cough for about a month now, so let's talk today about some restaurant health issues that arise in the fall when the weather changes, allergies are bad, and everybody's got the sniffles.  There are a few things people do in restaurants that every waiter despises, advances the spread of germs, and are considered against the rules of etiquette.

-You would be surprised how many restaurant guests leave crumpled up tissues on the table, and the elderly are notorious for this.  First of all, if you need to blow your nose during a meal, you should excuse yourself from the table to the restroom anyway; it's just good manners to not honk in a dining room.  So please simply dispose of the tissue there.  And next time you take grandma out to lunch and you notice she forgot to put her tissue back in her sleeve, just remind her to grab it so I don't need tongs to bus the table.

-Linen napkins are absolutely not for blowing one's nose.  You may not believe it, but it happens.  Again, you can't blow your nose with a linen napkin in the restroom.  Also, do not cast your linen napkin on top of your entree plate as a sign you are finished or for any other reason really.  That means I've got to touch it before I drop the plate oft to be washed, right after you've wiped your mouth with it.  And as much as I wash my hands during a shift, there just isn't time to do it after I clear each table.  Simply leave it in your lap and leave it on the table when you exit so it can be rolled up in a table cloth or cleared by a bus person who doesn't serve food.

-I had a couple in on a first date last weekend, and the lady went to the restroom after I cleared their dinners.  When I lifted her napkin from her chair to fold it and return it to her place setting (just a thing good servers do), chunks of chewed up steak were cast out of it onto the table and floor.  Enough said.

Throughout a shift, silverware, glasses, coffee cups, bread- you name it, pass through many server's hands, hands that share a touch screen, the phone, and objects that gather germs.  Just help us out a little to keep our paws clean so we can avoid getting you, other guests, and ourselves sick.  Thanks, and remember, 20% is always accepted.