Monday, November 14, 2011

Don't Spit in the Wind!

So I've received many things over the years in place of money for a tip:  T-shirts, books, half a bottle of wine, a drink waiting for me at the bar after my shift, drugs, etc.  But I got something the other day that inspired me to take a break from the wine education and talk about this.

I served this couple  a late lunch the other day, a couple that was obviously fairly well off.  The BMW keys were on the table, the watches were nice, and they were leafing through a home furnishings magazine for the affluent.  They were very nice, paid with a gold AMEX (which we technically don't even take), and complimented me on my service.  But when I retrieved the credit card slip, a biblical verse was what was written in on the tip line- and there was no cash or any monetary tip involved. I have received prayer cards in the past but they were usually accompanied by at least a couple of bucks.  Not this day. Just a preachy prayer pamphlet that basically attacked Catholicism, the religion under which I was raised.

First, remember that servers make between two and three bucks an hour.  As much as I like to have a drink after work and I especially appreciated that half bottle of vintage Dom Perignon, what if I didn't drink?  And even if my soul needed saving, religion certainly doesn't pay the rent.

Second, if I was religious I would have been offended.  As friendly as I may be, the transaction between the server and guest is purely business, so lets keep the tip in a universal currency please?  Cash works.  And 20% is always accepted.  Til next time...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Time to Wine

So I've been holding back from a digression from etiquette standards to my real area of interest and expertise, but as the semester rolls on and I run out of ideas, I figure its time to talk wine.

First of all, avoid wines by the glass at all costs.  Over the years I've seen the house pours get mixed together, left out and open all night- you get the idea.  Plus most bottles of wine that are served by the glass in restaurants cost between six and nine bucks.  So you usually buy the restaurant the bottle when you order the glass.

If more than one person wants red at dinner then, you should be able to agree on a bottle.  Part of good conversation is talking about what you like, so find something that pairs well with many foods (Pinot Noir, Sangiovese), and something mid-range in price because the mark up  on bottles is not much less that that of wines by the glass.

If you order the bottle, then you've got to taste it, and this does not have to be a grand ceremony.  Here's how to look what you know what you're doing:  When the server presents the bottle, just look for the name and the vintage (year) briefly to ensure it is what you ordered.  When he or she pours you a taste, just swirl it briefly and sniff.  If it smells like something you would want to take a sip of, just tell the server its fine. That's it.  Technically, when I open that bottle, you bought it.  If the bottle is corked (bad), which you should be able to tell by a single sniff, then you may tell me and I will bring you another.  This rarely happens, so let me pour your guests their wine and let's get on with the show!

This is just the start.  I'm takin' this week to talk about wine.  If you wanna learn a lot in a little bit of time, read along.  And if your server opens, pours, and maintains your bottle, 20% is gladly accepted.

P.S.  Any questions about wine in general or ordering it in restaurants- post to my comments and I'll address them!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

You Make Me Sick!

So I've been battling bronchitis and a mean cough for about a month now, so let's talk today about some restaurant health issues that arise in the fall when the weather changes, allergies are bad, and everybody's got the sniffles.  There are a few things people do in restaurants that every waiter despises, advances the spread of germs, and are considered against the rules of etiquette.

-You would be surprised how many restaurant guests leave crumpled up tissues on the table, and the elderly are notorious for this.  First of all, if you need to blow your nose during a meal, you should excuse yourself from the table to the restroom anyway; it's just good manners to not honk in a dining room.  So please simply dispose of the tissue there.  And next time you take grandma out to lunch and you notice she forgot to put her tissue back in her sleeve, just remind her to grab it so I don't need tongs to bus the table.

-Linen napkins are absolutely not for blowing one's nose.  You may not believe it, but it happens.  Again, you can't blow your nose with a linen napkin in the restroom.  Also, do not cast your linen napkin on top of your entree plate as a sign you are finished or for any other reason really.  That means I've got to touch it before I drop the plate oft to be washed, right after you've wiped your mouth with it.  And as much as I wash my hands during a shift, there just isn't time to do it after I clear each table.  Simply leave it in your lap and leave it on the table when you exit so it can be rolled up in a table cloth or cleared by a bus person who doesn't serve food.

-I had a couple in on a first date last weekend, and the lady went to the restroom after I cleared their dinners.  When I lifted her napkin from her chair to fold it and return it to her place setting (just a thing good servers do), chunks of chewed up steak were cast out of it onto the table and floor.  Enough said.

Throughout a shift, silverware, glasses, coffee cups, bread- you name it, pass through many server's hands, hands that share a touch screen, the phone, and objects that gather germs.  Just help us out a little to keep our paws clean so we can avoid getting you, other guests, and ourselves sick.  Thanks, and remember, 20% is always accepted.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

One For The Ages...

Oh man, I really did get one for the ages last weekend, and I'm gonna use this lady to illustrate two points...you'll see...

So I could tell that this middle aged lady didn't get out much; she was forty five minutes early for her reservation and was extremely proud of the thirty dollar groupon she had and waved it around like a flag when I sat her.  Her excitement also caused her to stop me three times (I was by myself and kinda busy) to inquire about the menu and the specials, which I knew I'd have to repeat when her girlfriend finally found a liquor store and joined her. One of her ridiculous questions was, "I only order filet mignon but is there any other steak you'd recommend?"

Now the recommendation I made wasn't even some off the cuff  B.S. suggestion to get her to order something more expensive or anything.  I happen to think that filet mignon is an under-sized and over-priced cut in any restaurant; I think it is a cut that lacks flavor and at "The Joint," a restaurant with many cuts of grass-fed Argentinian beef, to taste the difference I honestly think guests should try a different cut. And again, the coupon that had become a place-mat on the table reminded me that value might also be an issue, so I recommended a generous twelve-ounce flat iron steak that is actually less expensive than our filet, not something I'm known for.

So her flat iron steak arrives an hour later because her guest, who had finally arrived, dragged out the meal by ordering three courses when the original lady only ordered an entree.  She makes a small incision in the steak, pushes it away, and looks as though she is about to cry.  Half a bottle of wine in, her steadily more obnoxious girlfriend flags me down and informs me that her friend is not happy.  She explains that her steak is "bloody", and the salad it came with was just "drenched leaves."  I promptly remove the steak to be cooked longer and immediately bring her a house salad, decidedly more impressive than the mixed greens she abhorred.  Upon returning the flat iron, I noticed the cut she had made was kind of against the grain, so I politely recommended she cut it with the grain.  She did this, slicing the steak into twelve or fourteen slices, then she loudly put down her silverware, and again, pouted like a child. This time I actually implored her to try the steak, to which she responded:  "You told me this would be more tender and flavorful than a filet mignon.  You said it was better."    "In my opinion, ma'am." I replied.  I had made a recommendation, like I'd done a thousand times, and never had I been lambasted like this. And how did she know it didn't taste like it was marinated in liquid gold?  She hadn't even tried it yet.

Then I did something I haven't done in years; I turned the table over to a manager.  I was busy, I knew I could not make her happy, so I simply gave up.  Now the manager I sent over was happened to be the owner, who saw the coupon like it was on fire, and I knew this woman was not going to get her filet mignon, which she was hinting at with her theatrics about my suggestion anyway. The owner brought hot granite and extra sauce, so the lady could cook the steak as she pleased and add flavor if she desired. If she wanted filet mignon, she was gonna have to kill both me and my boss, go into the kitchen and cook it herself.  Once she realized this, she finally tasted her flat iron steak, remarked that it was "good," and proceeded to eat the whole  thing.  After the owner presented them with quite a nice dessert sampler for free, they hemmed and hawed over their twenty seven dollar check (after the coupon), took the wrong credit card slip, stayed for an hour, couldn't find the right credit card slip, were obnoxious to the point other patrons noticed and were appalled...it was a nightmare.  They finally paraded out after explaining they still left a tip, five bucks, because it "wasn't my fault."

Take what you want from this but I can think of two lessons we can learn from these two D.H.s (from now on-desperate housewives):  When you ask a waiter for a suggestion, that's exactly what it is, a suggestion.  I didn't put a gun to that lady's head and make her order the flat iron steak.  If she came in there knowing she wanted a filet, then that's what she should have gotten instead of getting on my nerves with pointless questions and then faulting me for answering them.  Second, my friends from developing countries will tell you that if these ladies from "Holdenfeld" came from a place where people were starving all around them, they wouldn't be so quick to have me throw away a twenty three dollar steak in place of a twenty four dollar one.

Sorry this one was kind of a rant, but as you can see, this table really was one for the ages.  But hey, these types of tables remind me why I went back to school!  Til next time, Remember folks 20% is always accepted.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Hey Bartender!

So I got out of the bar business about two years ago and began working at a BYOB.  Now I remember why.  I was recently at a bar as a patron (I know, right? Can you believe it?), and I witnessed some behavior that made me wonder how I ever bartended for all those years without jumping over the bar and strangling somebody. 

It began with the wave.  A group of young meatheads down the bar from me began waving emphatically at the bartender to assist them with a round of shots.  The one who seemed to be in charge had a fifty in his waving paw, adding to the obnoxiousness of it all.  Just a quick aside:  As a bartender, at this point I'd be wondering how much this group really needs a round of shots, so if nothing else, know that waving down bartenders is a quick way to get cut off. 

After not being addressed for a whole thirty seconds, the shouting began.  Calls of "Hey sweetie!" and "Over here doll!"  caused the bartenders to cringe as they glanced at each other to see who would address this noise.  Finally, one of them took the bullet after doing every possible thing she could before reluctantly meandering over.  If it were me, these guys would've definitely gotten a little extra lime juice in their snakebites.

So how do you get a drink in a crowded bar?  Simple.  Have cash ready and out, all good bartenders will recognize cash; you don't have to wave it around.  Also, cash transactions are much faster thatn credit cards, so you have a better chance of being served first in a busy bar setting.  You should know to bring cash to a bar anyway, are you really putting $2.50 beers on your AMEX?

The other key is to make eye contact and smile.  When you smile at someone, they smile back.  The bartender not only knows from this smile exchange that you are thirsty, but you are also friendly and patient, and aware of how busy thay are. 

So show the dough, smile, and make eye contact and you'll always have a drink in hand.  Tipping well on the first round will also ensure the bartenders notice you when its time for the second.  And for well-made cocktails served efficiently with a smile?  20% is always accepted.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Large? Get In Charge....

Everyone likes large parties in restaurants.  Its usually a good chance for the house and the server to make better than average dough, and who doesn't love getting together with ten to sixteen people you hardly know around six or seven-thirty?

You can probably see what I'm getting at already.  Large parties are usually unorganized; the guests are rarely on the same page making it difficult for the restaurant staff to accommodate the party and truthfully, the guest can suffer despite still spending good money.  We had a party of twelve to fourteen wander in for dinner Saturday in groups over the course of an hour ordering three different sets of appetizers, thus throwing off the timing of their whole meal and taking up four tables for the better part of an entire Saturday night.  Its a good thing the eight-thirty party of thirteen didn't bother to show up.  If you want to enjoy your restaurant experience with a large group of friends or family, just take a few extra measures and the night can really go quite smoothly.

-Get together and confirm the number of guests.  Even if your Aunt Minne and Uncle Will get lost and go home at the last minute, call the restaurant and report any changes so they can properly adjust the table.  If you add people to the party then you will definitely need more room and it can be surprisingly uncomfortable for ten people to sit at a table for twenty.
-Try to get everyone on the same page with the order.  Its best to share some appetizers between a lot of people so why not take charge and pick a few things you think everyone might like?  If the waiter suggests some items that were meant to share, go with it.  Remember, whenever a waiter suggests something its because it has worked or guests have liked it in the past.  Also, try to decide on  your entrees before the appetizers come out so the server can get the fifteen menus out of the way.
-Everybody bring cash.  When the bill arrives, the gratuity will most likely be added to parties of eight or more, so paying can be as easy as breaking it down to a per-person cost.

Like I'd mentioned, you will be paying for dinner whether you are with one other person or twenty so why not take a few steps to ensure your money is well spent and you enjoy your evening?  And remember,when dining with a large group, 20% is definitely always accepted.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Yelp!

Many of you may already know that yelp!.com is an easily accessible page for both viewing and posting reviews of businesses, especially restaurants.  So lets take a minute to learn about the dangers of yelp! use.

First of all, try not to use yelp! solely as a means of complaining about a restaurant experience that may not have been up to your standards.  If you happen to have a great experience, if your server was excellent or at least put in an honest effort, feel free to post such positive reviews as well.  In this situation, there is nothing wrong with posting your server's name.  I guarantee his or her boss checks yelp! every day so why not name your server so my boss knows I'm doing a good job.

Conversely, in negative reviews, try not to name your server.  In all honesty, if a problem does arise during your dining experience, ninety percent of the time it is not the server's fault.  Consider the fact that you have this person's job in your hands when you post comments about them.  Would you really want someone to lose their job because you thought they gave you a dirty look after you sent back your chicken for the third time?  Even if you did recieve a scowl, remember that everyone has a bad day, and when a server is having a bad day they still need to keep a smile on their face.  Is it easy for you smile and be pleasant when you are having a bad day?  Quite simply, do you want to jeopardize the job af a person who most likely has a family or is paying for college over something that probably wasn't their fault?  Think about all of this the next time you you feel like criticizing someone elses work performance.

Finally, don't put too much into what you read on yelp!, especially restaurant reviews.  I've read reviews about "The Joint" that were either complete bull or were mistakenly about another restaurant.  And as much as you may not want to believe it, there are some shady restaurant owners/managers that find ways to use yelp! to falsely trash other restaurants and trump up the reviews of their own.  And you might not know that businesses, having paid yelp! for advertising, autimatically improve their overall grade. 

So be careful how you use yelp!.com.  Actually, you'd be best served to never even visit that site at all.  If you want a restaurant review, email me and I'll serve it right up.  Or heres an idea, use ZAGAT! It's only a reliable company that has been employing experts to objectively review restaurants for like, a hundred years.  They will also tell you that 20% is always accepted.  Until next time...........stay hungry, my friends (Not only am I not the most interesting man in the world, I'm also not the most creative).