Cowlingswyn is a town of many parades. And first Fridays. And second Saturdays. And tree lightings and car shows and art shows and Mayfairs. These events generally occur on the main street where most of the restaurants are located. This can be both a blessing and a curse.
Sure, the multitudes passing by result in greater visibility of "The Joint," but closing off the street on these days and evenings often keeps guests who INTENDED on dining there from ever making it. I know that if I went to make a left on Braddon Ave. and the street was closed I'd make a right instead and head for B.J.s for dinner, because my next question would be: " Where the hell am I going to park if theres a goddamn parade?"
The greater problem though, usually lies with those who HADN'T intended on dining with us, but do happen to wander in. Yes "The Joint" has windows that look out to the street- that doesn't make it the fucking judge's grandstand, where you, your wife, another couple and your collective twelve brats can set up shop, order forty bucks worth of apps, and drink the six bottles of "Jersey Sweet Red" you brought for three hours in the warmth of my section while said brats run in and out of the restaurant everytime they see a float they like and let the cold air in you are trying to get away from by watching a parade from a fucking restaurant in the first place. Was that a run-on sentence?
Want to take advantage of a restaurtant being nearby to a public event you are attending? Awesome. Come in beforehand for a quick dinner, feed the kids and grab a coffee with the check to warm up before you enjoy the evening's OUTDOOR festivities. Or time it so that you'll be dining as the parade goes by if you really want to; I don't mind if you request a window table if you show up on time, order and eat with some semblence of pace, and have dessert as the crowds dissipate. I don't even care if you wander in for coffee and dessert after the event, so long as it's late enough where others who are actually there to eat aren't waiting for a table.
In warmer weather: Don't sit at one of my patio tables and do nothing so you can relax and enjoy the jazz trio that's playing out front. Stand the fuck in front of them like everyone else that's watching. Live music is a nice accompaniment to dinner, I must admit. But then ORDER dinner for Pete's sake; my outdoor dining area isn't your own personal mezzanine at the Kimmel Center. People have to pay thousands of dollars and subscribe for such a priveledge, so if you do what me and my friends did Sunday night- stay at a table at a restaurant for three hours so we could enjoy my favorite live Christmas performance in it's entirety- do what my friend did and leave a hundred-dollar tip. Tickets for such an amazing live show would've cost much more and the poor server, who to that point thought we had wasted her whole night, had her little day made : )
What I'm saying is that a nearby event or performance doesn't mean you can do whatever you want and punish the restautrant just for its proximity. Granted, "The Joint" is by now well prapared to handle the uncertainty surrounding the seating on such days. But help us out willya? If your party of twelve is at six o' clock, why shouldn't I expect the table back by eight or eight-thirty if the food and service are efficient?
Or if you do plan to take up half a room for an entire Saturday night then you better order three fucking courses or something because from now on, if you don't want anymore coffee, I'm gonna pick-pocket you, use the shiniest card you have to pay the check, leave 20% (which is always accepted) on your behalf, and start pulling tables away. This will be after I hip-check your Carl Lewis-esque banshee of a child through the very same window through which you are viewing the parade...
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
This Blog, it is a Changin'
Since I just submitted my internet class final, online, ironically enough, I officially declare this no longer a college-sanctioned blog (I got a 90 by the way, and I feel very strongly that my A in this class is secure, so thanks again everyone for your support of my musings). Those who know me are aware that I drop the occasional "F-Bomb" when I get excited, but overall my speech is pretty tame when I'm not speaking Spanish and censorship is not what this is about.
I'll also maintain my veil of anonymity. Just because my professor is no longer reading this doesn't mean I can now outwardly lampoon the paying customers of "The Joint." This would be bad for the restaurant business, bad for my bosses (who have allowed this blog to continue by repeatedly granting their permission), and it would be catastrophic for any restaurant if FOX news ever found out that a middle-class college student waiter was poking fun at the ridiculous tendencies of its upper-crust Holdenfeld clientele.
And there you have a prime example of what will change. Though I won't be swearing up and down or calling out Mr. and Mrs. Collingsmere on their closet alcoholism or calculated stinginess, you will identify an influx of my views- some political, some on the sad state of etiquette, on child-rearing- but mostly you will now hear, unabridged, what I really think of some of the @#$%*&#!#@s I have to bend to on a daily basis. Especially if they fail to tip 20%
The symbols are for you Professor Reeder, if you are still reading ; ) I enjoyed your class!
I'll also maintain my veil of anonymity. Just because my professor is no longer reading this doesn't mean I can now outwardly lampoon the paying customers of "The Joint." This would be bad for the restaurant business, bad for my bosses (who have allowed this blog to continue by repeatedly granting their permission), and it would be catastrophic for any restaurant if FOX news ever found out that a middle-class college student waiter was poking fun at the ridiculous tendencies of its upper-crust Holdenfeld clientele.
And there you have a prime example of what will change. Though I won't be swearing up and down or calling out Mr. and Mrs. Collingsmere on their closet alcoholism or calculated stinginess, you will identify an influx of my views- some political, some on the sad state of etiquette, on child-rearing- but mostly you will now hear, unabridged, what I really think of some of the @#$%*&#!#@s I have to bend to on a daily basis. Especially if they fail to tip 20%
The symbols are for you Professor Reeder, if you are still reading ; ) I enjoyed your class!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Late? Please Wait....
Wow, Sunday morning is probably not the best time to post this blog. After a super frustrating and non-lucrative Saturday night, I may be a tad bit viscous, so I apologize in advance.
So we were expecting a party of eight at eight o' clock last night, and come twenty-five after, they had neither arrived nor called. Now at this point, I'm playing waiter, hostess, and Maitre' D, and we are on a twenty to thirty minute wait. And it's really difficult to take care of your customers in the dining room when you've got several groups up front, staring you down at every move, hungry like coyotes watching a maimed deer for a table.
So I break up the party of eight and get two of those groups sat. Of course, moments later the children of the people who reserved said party meander in and demand their table. Rut-Roh. When the parents make it in, I explained what happened as politely as possible, imploring them to simply call in the future of they were going to be late. They didn't care. I was further convinced of their self-centric view of the universe when I realized they had been shopping along the main street on which "the joint" is located all night, and any one of them could have stopped by to check in and let me know they intended to come whenever the hell they felt like it, despite the reservations they'd made. So I minded little, making them wait forty-five minutes up front by the cold door like kennel dogs waiting for their kibble for a table. I even smiled a little when they were sat and I saw it was my turn for a table.
That they were extremely difficult from there on out, ordered as cheaply as possible and tipped around 12% despite my best efforts to be personable is neither here nor there. IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE FOR A RESERVATION, WHETHER IT'S ONE PERSON OR TWELVE, FIVE MINUTES OR TWO HOURS, SATURDAY NIGHT OR TUESDAY BREAKFAST, PULL OUT YOUR CELL AND CALL THE PLACE FOR PETE'S SAKE. How much effort does that take? In a time when cell phones are glued to our frreakin hands, is such a simple courtesy too much effort?
And if you see that your lateness has caused a seating issue, or any added, un-necessary stress on the staff, tip the Maitre'D, the hostess, the bus-boy- and everybody gets 20%
So we were expecting a party of eight at eight o' clock last night, and come twenty-five after, they had neither arrived nor called. Now at this point, I'm playing waiter, hostess, and Maitre' D, and we are on a twenty to thirty minute wait. And it's really difficult to take care of your customers in the dining room when you've got several groups up front, staring you down at every move, hungry like coyotes watching a maimed deer for a table.
So I break up the party of eight and get two of those groups sat. Of course, moments later the children of the people who reserved said party meander in and demand their table. Rut-Roh. When the parents make it in, I explained what happened as politely as possible, imploring them to simply call in the future of they were going to be late. They didn't care. I was further convinced of their self-centric view of the universe when I realized they had been shopping along the main street on which "the joint" is located all night, and any one of them could have stopped by to check in and let me know they intended to come whenever the hell they felt like it, despite the reservations they'd made. So I minded little, making them wait forty-five minutes up front by the cold door like kennel dogs waiting for their kibble for a table. I even smiled a little when they were sat and I saw it was my turn for a table.
That they were extremely difficult from there on out, ordered as cheaply as possible and tipped around 12% despite my best efforts to be personable is neither here nor there. IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE LATE FOR A RESERVATION, WHETHER IT'S ONE PERSON OR TWELVE, FIVE MINUTES OR TWO HOURS, SATURDAY NIGHT OR TUESDAY BREAKFAST, PULL OUT YOUR CELL AND CALL THE PLACE FOR PETE'S SAKE. How much effort does that take? In a time when cell phones are glued to our frreakin hands, is such a simple courtesy too much effort?
And if you see that your lateness has caused a seating issue, or any added, un-necessary stress on the staff, tip the Maitre'D, the hostess, the bus-boy- and everybody gets 20%
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Take a Look at Yourself
As we start to wrap up the semester, let's just take a moment to remember that the way you treat a server really does reflect a lot on your personality. Here are a few tips to help you take advantage, and I'm sorry but by nature, this blog is geared toward the fellas. But you ladies can probably get a laugh out of it.
-On a first date, treat the server warmly and generously, especially if it is a female. Women look at the way you treat servers much in the way they look at how you treat your mother, so simply shrug off any nervous mistakes and definitely tip well.
-If a server doesn't offer his or her name, don't ask for it. If they do, don't use it every time I'm at the table. It implies you are more interested in the server than your guest and it's annoying for so many other reasons. If you liked your server and would like to request them, compliment the service and ask at the end of the meal.
-Be a good tipper, but don't flaunt it. Do it quietly, and with class, and don't hang the fact that you are a good tipper over the server's head. It looks like an extension of...
-Many servers are law students, teachers, writers, etc. So do not try to make a smart remark at a server's expense to make yourself look better. Most times you'll find yourself embarrassed by our wit, and we can walk away.
And if there is ever, ever, a question about how much to tip, you can never go wrong with 20%
-On a first date, treat the server warmly and generously, especially if it is a female. Women look at the way you treat servers much in the way they look at how you treat your mother, so simply shrug off any nervous mistakes and definitely tip well.
-If a server doesn't offer his or her name, don't ask for it. If they do, don't use it every time I'm at the table. It implies you are more interested in the server than your guest and it's annoying for so many other reasons. If you liked your server and would like to request them, compliment the service and ask at the end of the meal.
-Be a good tipper, but don't flaunt it. Do it quietly, and with class, and don't hang the fact that you are a good tipper over the server's head. It looks like an extension of...
-Many servers are law students, teachers, writers, etc. So do not try to make a smart remark at a server's expense to make yourself look better. Most times you'll find yourself embarrassed by our wit, and we can walk away.
And if there is ever, ever, a question about how much to tip, you can never go wrong with 20%
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
When You Eat the Pink Chicken...
So recently my brother got food poisoning at a local hole (let's just say if you were looking for gold on rte. 38, this would be the restaurant to go to), a transgression that in an age when we eat raw tuna and beef from Japan on a regular basis is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. I've been pretty defensive of restaurant staffers on this blog to this point as you all know I myself am one. But as a repeat victim of food poisoning as a result of my insatiable addiction to oysters, I'm well aware that this sometimes week-long devastating (not to mention disgusting) illness is usually made worse with the knowledge that it could have been prevented, and it might have been paid for! Let me tell you what I've learned through my own personal pain so if you are ever in this situation you can be properly compensated for your suffering.
There are two ways to go about this, depending on the restaurant. ChillMe's, Fry-Daze, Crapplebees, Pizzeria Junos- with any corporate chain gang its easy. Simply call their corporate 800 hot-line and report what happened. Be ready with the time and date of the meal and the location, as these slop shops dish up hundreds and thousands of "meals" per day. The higher ups will know what to do, just let em' take care of ya!
In a privately owned restaurant it you may run into an owner or general manager that's a little less likely to compensate you appropriately, much less admit fault, as they can't afford the insurance that allows them to simply "settle first". Here's what you do: Call the place, ask for the general manager. DO NOT speak with anyone but the GM. If he or she's not there, leave a message concerning food poisoning and they'll get right back to you. Begin your conversation by describing the throes of agony you experienced after leaving the restaurant, noting that 95% of food poisoning cases are linked to one's last meal. The restaurant is absolutely responsible for your doctor bills and prescription costs, and you should be eating there free for a year. If this doesn't come easily, start talking lost wages and permanent damage to your stomach lining and esophagus; say you'd like to have a dental check-up for acid wear- it will come easy.
Two must dos in the case you suspect restaurant food poisoning:
1. If you suspect you've bitten into something rotten (raw chicken, like my poor bro, or a funky tasting oyster), get a manager. If you told me this as your server I'd pull the plate from the table and you'd never see it again. You want to point out to the manager what you think the problem is and ask him or her if you are going to be sick. Get the manager to admit that you might become ill (good job Phillip). Again, with the chains you're in good shape as the manager will have to file an incident report with corporate so they'll be ready for your call.
2. GO TO THE DOCTOR!!! Food poisoning can kill you in various unpleasant ways, so get medical attention. Don't be surprised if you are sent to the emergency room for a nice IV drip. If you can foot the bill, don't use your medical insurance. Why let the restaurant get off with reimbursing just a co-pay? Obviously, keep your receipts together and any documents such as discharge papers with the diagnosis: FOOD POISONING.
Finally, keep two things in mind: A little bellyache after a big meal is not food poisoning. People generally eat richer foods than usual at restaurants, and you might encounter ingredients you're not used to. I was once laid up for a day after a seven-course dinner at Le Bec Fin. If you have food poisoning, believe me, you'll know it. Also, try not to freak out on the server or manager. We didn't cook it! As much as I may hate you, I can't simply go into the kitchen and under-cook your food, and I'll probably have to weigh in on the situation later, maybe attend a meeting on my day off. So please, realize that this situation is going to call my attention away from my other tables and I'm gonna have to work extra hard to rectify it. Either way I'm making less money and it's not my fault. For all of this, I'll accept 20%...
There are two ways to go about this, depending on the restaurant. ChillMe's, Fry-Daze, Crapplebees, Pizzeria Junos- with any corporate chain gang its easy. Simply call their corporate 800 hot-line and report what happened. Be ready with the time and date of the meal and the location, as these slop shops dish up hundreds and thousands of "meals" per day. The higher ups will know what to do, just let em' take care of ya!
In a privately owned restaurant it you may run into an owner or general manager that's a little less likely to compensate you appropriately, much less admit fault, as they can't afford the insurance that allows them to simply "settle first". Here's what you do: Call the place, ask for the general manager. DO NOT speak with anyone but the GM. If he or she's not there, leave a message concerning food poisoning and they'll get right back to you. Begin your conversation by describing the throes of agony you experienced after leaving the restaurant, noting that 95% of food poisoning cases are linked to one's last meal. The restaurant is absolutely responsible for your doctor bills and prescription costs, and you should be eating there free for a year. If this doesn't come easily, start talking lost wages and permanent damage to your stomach lining and esophagus; say you'd like to have a dental check-up for acid wear- it will come easy.
Two must dos in the case you suspect restaurant food poisoning:
1. If you suspect you've bitten into something rotten (raw chicken, like my poor bro, or a funky tasting oyster), get a manager. If you told me this as your server I'd pull the plate from the table and you'd never see it again. You want to point out to the manager what you think the problem is and ask him or her if you are going to be sick. Get the manager to admit that you might become ill (good job Phillip). Again, with the chains you're in good shape as the manager will have to file an incident report with corporate so they'll be ready for your call.
2. GO TO THE DOCTOR!!! Food poisoning can kill you in various unpleasant ways, so get medical attention. Don't be surprised if you are sent to the emergency room for a nice IV drip. If you can foot the bill, don't use your medical insurance. Why let the restaurant get off with reimbursing just a co-pay? Obviously, keep your receipts together and any documents such as discharge papers with the diagnosis: FOOD POISONING.
Finally, keep two things in mind: A little bellyache after a big meal is not food poisoning. People generally eat richer foods than usual at restaurants, and you might encounter ingredients you're not used to. I was once laid up for a day after a seven-course dinner at Le Bec Fin. If you have food poisoning, believe me, you'll know it. Also, try not to freak out on the server or manager. We didn't cook it! As much as I may hate you, I can't simply go into the kitchen and under-cook your food, and I'll probably have to weigh in on the situation later, maybe attend a meeting on my day off. So please, realize that this situation is going to call my attention away from my other tables and I'm gonna have to work extra hard to rectify it. Either way I'm making less money and it's not my fault. For all of this, I'll accept 20%...
Friday, November 18, 2011
Restaurant Fashion: Wearing the Food
So I'm coming to you today live from "The Joint" (you can tell how my lunch shift is going), just lookin' for some inspiration from the restaurant at which I work and trying not to be too bitter about spending the next three days here!
After inadvertently pouring rice pudding all over the chest of my young, female co-worker during a busy Saturday night shift last weekend, let's talk today about how to handle it when a server spills something on you.
I totally understand that it may be your first reaction to freak out if your server dumps something on you; you were not expecting to shower in a usually particularly hot or cold substance and you may be wearing an expensive and/or irreplaceable garment. But lets take a second to think about this- you can actually thank your lucky stars for being spilled on! It is a rare opportunity to demonstrate how patient and understanding you are, especially if you are with business acquaintances or others you don't know very well.
Your server will be mortified upon spilling something on you, and whether your server is male or female, they will likely be crying. It is also likely they will be afraid to return to the table. If the manager arrives to tell you this, thank him or her for the concern, but please ask that they send the server back to the table so you can explain to him or her that everybody has accidents, it's no big deal, at least it wasn't boiling oil, etc...
There is no reason to ruin the evening of you and your guests over a clumsy mistake, which is what would happen if you freaked out. If you handle it like I recommend, everybody at the table will later remark about how kind and patient you are (it NEVER looks good when you treat a server poorly, no matter what for). So whereas you may want to strangle your server for an act of extreme clumsiness, restrain your violent tendencies and try to understand that we as servers are required to move really quickly with a lot of hot stuff in our hands while doing two or three other things at the same time. Since the restaurant will always assume the dry-cleaning or replacement cost of the garment, relax and know that it will be taken care of.
And the trauma of spilling something on a restaurant guest is definitely worth 20%, just to show your server your not really mad!
After inadvertently pouring rice pudding all over the chest of my young, female co-worker during a busy Saturday night shift last weekend, let's talk today about how to handle it when a server spills something on you.
I totally understand that it may be your first reaction to freak out if your server dumps something on you; you were not expecting to shower in a usually particularly hot or cold substance and you may be wearing an expensive and/or irreplaceable garment. But lets take a second to think about this- you can actually thank your lucky stars for being spilled on! It is a rare opportunity to demonstrate how patient and understanding you are, especially if you are with business acquaintances or others you don't know very well.
Your server will be mortified upon spilling something on you, and whether your server is male or female, they will likely be crying. It is also likely they will be afraid to return to the table. If the manager arrives to tell you this, thank him or her for the concern, but please ask that they send the server back to the table so you can explain to him or her that everybody has accidents, it's no big deal, at least it wasn't boiling oil, etc...
There is no reason to ruin the evening of you and your guests over a clumsy mistake, which is what would happen if you freaked out. If you handle it like I recommend, everybody at the table will later remark about how kind and patient you are (it NEVER looks good when you treat a server poorly, no matter what for). So whereas you may want to strangle your server for an act of extreme clumsiness, restrain your violent tendencies and try to understand that we as servers are required to move really quickly with a lot of hot stuff in our hands while doing two or three other things at the same time. Since the restaurant will always assume the dry-cleaning or replacement cost of the garment, relax and know that it will be taken care of.
And the trauma of spilling something on a restaurant guest is definitely worth 20%, just to show your server your not really mad!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Bring It!!!
BYOBs are a great way to avoid exhorbitant mark-ups on restaurant wine lists, and to ensure you'll have something you enjoy with your dinner. But the general procedure from top to bottom at BYOBs is a little different so let's discuss it a little, shall we?
First of a all, don't bring every bottle in your collection. Space in BYOB dining rooms is usually pretty limited and you don't really want your table surrounded by wine bags, etc. for me to trip over, do you? Also, if your table is covered with bottles and ice buckets, where will I put the food?
Second, if you require any special glassware, go ahead and bring it along. You're sixteen year old waitress isn't going to recognize your twenty year old Barolo and bring you the "special glasses," so if you can only drink out of Riedel crystal, I'll be happy to rinse it out for you when you're done. Knowing that a business isn't going to invest in sixty five dollar apiece wine glasses when it doesn't make any money off wine, I always bring my own glasses if I have a special bottle.
Finally, whereas BYOBs are meant for avoiding spending extra money on wine, if your server opens, pours, and maintains your bottle, toss him or her a couple extra bucks. Remember, servers are not required to even open your bottle at a BYOB, so any additional attention is above and beyond the standard. And especially at BYOBs, 20% is always accepted.
First of a all, don't bring every bottle in your collection. Space in BYOB dining rooms is usually pretty limited and you don't really want your table surrounded by wine bags, etc. for me to trip over, do you? Also, if your table is covered with bottles and ice buckets, where will I put the food?
Second, if you require any special glassware, go ahead and bring it along. You're sixteen year old waitress isn't going to recognize your twenty year old Barolo and bring you the "special glasses," so if you can only drink out of Riedel crystal, I'll be happy to rinse it out for you when you're done. Knowing that a business isn't going to invest in sixty five dollar apiece wine glasses when it doesn't make any money off wine, I always bring my own glasses if I have a special bottle.
Finally, whereas BYOBs are meant for avoiding spending extra money on wine, if your server opens, pours, and maintains your bottle, toss him or her a couple extra bucks. Remember, servers are not required to even open your bottle at a BYOB, so any additional attention is above and beyond the standard. And especially at BYOBs, 20% is always accepted.
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