One For The Ages...

Oh man, I really did get one for the ages last weekend, and I'm gonna use this lady to illustrate two points...you'll see...

So I could tell that this middle aged lady didn't get out much; she was forty five minutes early for her reservation and was extremely proud of the thirty dollar groupon she had and waved it around like a flag when I sat her.  Her excitement also caused her to stop me three times (I was by myself and kinda busy) to inquire about the menu and the specials, which I knew I'd have to repeat when her girlfriend finally found a liquor store and joined her. One of her ridiculous questions was, "I only order filet mignon but is there any other steak you'd recommend?"

Now the recommendation I made wasn't even some off the cuff  B.S. suggestion to get her to order something more expensive or anything.  I happen to think that filet mignon is an under-sized and over-priced cut in any restaurant; I think it is a cut that lacks flavor and at "The Joint," a restaurant with many cuts of grass-fed Argentinian beef, to taste the difference I honestly think guests should try a different cut. And again, the coupon that had become a place-mat on the table reminded me that value might also be an issue, so I recommended a generous twelve-ounce flat iron steak that is actually less expensive than our filet, not something I'm known for.

So her flat iron steak arrives an hour later because her guest, who had finally arrived, dragged out the meal by ordering three courses when the original lady only ordered an entree.  She makes a small incision in the steak, pushes it away, and looks as though she is about to cry.  Half a bottle of wine in, her steadily more obnoxious girlfriend flags me down and informs me that her friend is not happy.  She explains that her steak is "bloody", and the salad it came with was just "drenched leaves."  I promptly remove the steak to be cooked longer and immediately bring her a house salad, decidedly more impressive than the mixed greens she abhorred.  Upon returning the flat iron, I noticed the cut she had made was kind of against the grain, so I politely recommended she cut it with the grain.  She did this, slicing the steak into twelve or fourteen slices, then she loudly put down her silverware, and again, pouted like a child. This time I actually implored her to try the steak, to which she responded:  "You told me this would be more tender and flavorful than a filet mignon.  You said it was better."    "In my opinion, ma'am." I replied.  I had made a recommendation, like I'd done a thousand times, and never had I been lambasted like this. And how did she know it didn't taste like it was marinated in liquid gold?  She hadn't even tried it yet.

Then I did something I haven't done in years; I turned the table over to a manager.  I was busy, I knew I could not make her happy, so I simply gave up.  Now the manager I sent over was happened to be the owner, who saw the coupon like it was on fire, and I knew this woman was not going to get her filet mignon, which she was hinting at with her theatrics about my suggestion anyway. The owner brought hot granite and extra sauce, so the lady could cook the steak as she pleased and add flavor if she desired. If she wanted filet mignon, she was gonna have to kill both me and my boss, go into the kitchen and cook it herself.  Once she realized this, she finally tasted her flat iron steak, remarked that it was "good," and proceeded to eat the whole  thing.  After the owner presented them with quite a nice dessert sampler for free, they hemmed and hawed over their twenty seven dollar check (after the coupon), took the wrong credit card slip, stayed for an hour, couldn't find the right credit card slip, were obnoxious to the point other patrons noticed and were appalled...it was a nightmare.  They finally paraded out after explaining they still left a tip, five bucks, because it "wasn't my fault."

Take what you want from this but I can think of two lessons we can learn from these two D.H.s (from now on-desperate housewives):  When you ask a waiter for a suggestion, that's exactly what it is, a suggestion.  I didn't put a gun to that lady's head and make her order the flat iron steak.  If she came in there knowing she wanted a filet, then that's what she should have gotten instead of getting on my nerves with pointless questions and then faulting me for answering them.  Second, my friends from developing countries will tell you that if these ladies from "Holdenfeld" came from a place where people were starving all around them, they wouldn't be so quick to have me throw away a twenty three dollar steak in place of a twenty four dollar one.

Sorry this one was kind of a rant, but as you can see, this table really was one for the ages.  But hey, these types of tables remind me why I went back to school!  Til next time, Remember folks 20% is always accepted.

Hey Bartender!

So I got out of the bar business about two years ago and began working at a BYOB.  Now I remember why.  I was recently at a bar as a patron (I know, right? Can you believe it?), and I witnessed some behavior that made me wonder how I ever bartended for all those years without jumping over the bar and strangling somebody. 

It began with the wave.  A group of young meatheads down the bar from me began waving emphatically at the bartender to assist them with a round of shots.  The one who seemed to be in charge had a fifty in his waving paw, adding to the obnoxiousness of it all.  Just a quick aside:  As a bartender, at this point I'd be wondering how much this group really needs a round of shots, so if nothing else, know that waving down bartenders is a quick way to get cut off. 

After not being addressed for a whole thirty seconds, the shouting began.  Calls of "Hey sweetie!" and "Over here doll!"  caused the bartenders to cringe as they glanced at each other to see who would address this noise.  Finally, one of them took the bullet after doing every possible thing she could before reluctantly meandering over.  If it were me, these guys would've definitely gotten a little extra lime juice in their snakebites.

So how do you get a drink in a crowded bar?  Simple.  Have cash ready and out, all good bartenders will recognize cash; you don't have to wave it around.  Also, cash transactions are much faster thatn credit cards, so you have a better chance of being served first in a busy bar setting.  You should know to bring cash to a bar anyway, are you really putting $2.50 beers on your AMEX?

The other key is to make eye contact and smile.  When you smile at someone, they smile back.  The bartender not only knows from this smile exchange that you are thirsty, but you are also friendly and patient, and aware of how busy thay are. 

So show the dough, smile, and make eye contact and you'll always have a drink in hand.  Tipping well on the first round will also ensure the bartenders notice you when its time for the second.  And for well-made cocktails served efficiently with a smile?  20% is always accepted.

Large? Get In Charge....

Everyone likes large parties in restaurants.  Its usually a good chance for the house and the server to make better than average dough, and who doesn't love getting together with ten to sixteen people you hardly know around six or seven-thirty?

You can probably see what I'm getting at already.  Large parties are usually unorganized; the guests are rarely on the same page making it difficult for the restaurant staff to accommodate the party and truthfully, the guest can suffer despite still spending good money.  We had a party of twelve to fourteen wander in for dinner Saturday in groups over the course of an hour ordering three different sets of appetizers, thus throwing off the timing of their whole meal and taking up four tables for the better part of an entire Saturday night.  Its a good thing the eight-thirty party of thirteen didn't bother to show up.  If you want to enjoy your restaurant experience with a large group of friends or family, just take a few extra measures and the night can really go quite smoothly.

-Get together and confirm the number of guests.  Even if your Aunt Minne and Uncle Will get lost and go home at the last minute, call the restaurant and report any changes so they can properly adjust the table.  If you add people to the party then you will definitely need more room and it can be surprisingly uncomfortable for ten people to sit at a table for twenty.
-Try to get everyone on the same page with the order.  Its best to share some appetizers between a lot of people so why not take charge and pick a few things you think everyone might like?  If the waiter suggests some items that were meant to share, go with it.  Remember, whenever a waiter suggests something its because it has worked or guests have liked it in the past.  Also, try to decide on  your entrees before the appetizers come out so the server can get the fifteen menus out of the way.
-Everybody bring cash.  When the bill arrives, the gratuity will most likely be added to parties of eight or more, so paying can be as easy as breaking it down to a per-person cost.

Like I'd mentioned, you will be paying for dinner whether you are with one other person or twenty so why not take a few steps to ensure your money is well spent and you enjoy your evening?  And remember,when dining with a large group, 20% is definitely always accepted.

Yelp!

Many of you may already know that yelp!.com is an easily accessible page for both viewing and posting reviews of businesses, especially restaurants.  So lets take a minute to learn about the dangers of yelp! use.

First of all, try not to use yelp! solely as a means of complaining about a restaurant experience that may not have been up to your standards.  If you happen to have a great experience, if your server was excellent or at least put in an honest effort, feel free to post such positive reviews as well.  In this situation, there is nothing wrong with posting your server's name.  I guarantee his or her boss checks yelp! every day so why not name your server so my boss knows I'm doing a good job.

Conversely, in negative reviews, try not to name your server.  In all honesty, if a problem does arise during your dining experience, ninety percent of the time it is not the server's fault.  Consider the fact that you have this person's job in your hands when you post comments about them.  Would you really want someone to lose their job because you thought they gave you a dirty look after you sent back your chicken for the third time?  Even if you did recieve a scowl, remember that everyone has a bad day, and when a server is having a bad day they still need to keep a smile on their face.  Is it easy for you smile and be pleasant when you are having a bad day?  Quite simply, do you want to jeopardize the job af a person who most likely has a family or is paying for college over something that probably wasn't their fault?  Think about all of this the next time you you feel like criticizing someone elses work performance.

Finally, don't put too much into what you read on yelp!, especially restaurant reviews.  I've read reviews about "The Joint" that were either complete bull or were mistakenly about another restaurant.  And as much as you may not want to believe it, there are some shady restaurant owners/managers that find ways to use yelp! to falsely trash other restaurants and trump up the reviews of their own.  And you might not know that businesses, having paid yelp! for advertising, autimatically improve their overall grade. 

So be careful how you use yelp!.com.  Actually, you'd be best served to never even visit that site at all.  If you want a restaurant review, email me and I'll serve it right up.  Or heres an idea, use ZAGAT! It's only a reliable company that has been employing experts to objectively review restaurants for like, a hundred years.  They will also tell you that 20% is always accepted.  Until next time...........stay hungry, my friends (Not only am I not the most interesting man in the world, I'm also not the most creative).

Get Ur Groupon

Hello all, I'm a little late this week due to illness, internet issues (thanks T-Mobile), and WORKING ALL WEEKEND, so thanks for being patient, I'll try to be more punctual with my posts in the future.

Due to the current groupon craze, I feel it's necessary to address proper procedure if you are planning to go to just about any restaurant with a coupon in tow.  A few weeks ago, I had a table of four very polite and personable patrons.  All was well as they enjoyed a nice meal, but as I cleared their dinners, they mentioned that they were trying to make a movie, so I quickly presented their check and went about greeting another table.  When I returned to the other guests to reconcile their payment they were gone.  No problem, I saw they had left cash and a......groupon.  I knew there would be an issue because most people do not know how coupons work in a restaurant and sure enough, their oversight of one of the coupon's stipulations resulted in my intended twenty dollar tip vanishing into thin air.

The procedure I'm about to outline may seem a bit excessive to any non-restaurant readers, but If you care whether or not your server can afford to put gas in his or her car to get to school the next day- I mean if you want to make sure your server receives your fully intended tip, you will follow at least a few of these steps:

- You should already be making reservations at any restaurant that will accept them.  This is also a chance to mention the promotion or coupon in question to find out ahead of time if their are any limitations or restrictions to the offer.  You don't want to go to a restaurant on a Saturday with a coupon that's only good at Friday's (heh, heh).

- Present your coupon to the server when he or she greets you.  This gives us a heads up to track down a manager, adjust the check, scan and staple the coupon, mix the anti-counterfeit chemicals etc. ahead of time, not when you are trying to leave and I just got triple-sat.

- This may seem like common sense to some of you but in lieu of recent personal experiences I really must remind everyone to please tip on the pre-discounted total, maybe even a little more than usual.  If you saved fifty bucks, why not throw the server an extra five?

Coupons and groupons can be great in that you may get the opportunity to sample a restaurant you wouldn't normally splurge on. These can also be great chances to practice your etiquette and restaurant procedure in a setting you are a little less used to.  So until next time (tomorrow if I wanna get credit!), remember 20% is always accepted.

Teach Your Children (to dine) Well

Recently I read an amazing essay calling to notice the differences in child-rearing theory here in the United States and in foriegn countries, and instantly I thought of thought of two prime examples  relating to a restaurant setting.  Here they are, I'll let you draw your own conclusions:

I had a great table of eight people last Saturday night.  Notice I didn't say four adults and four kids, because such a distinction was not necessary and I'll tell you why:  The make up consisted of two married couples, the husbands were Peruvian and the wives American, and each couple had two daughters. By my guess, none were older than twelve, the youngest was maybe six.  When I greet such tables, I always accomodate the children first by reccomending our children's menu steak strips and fries, or maybe a "grown up" dish of parmesan crusted chicken breast with lemon sauce.  Wasn't I surprised when they ordered their lamb chops with Dijon sauce medium rare.  Beyond this, their manners were impeccable; a stern look from one of the fathers was all it took to quiet a giggle that had reached an unacceptable decibel level.  When I offered the girls lemonades to start, they accepted only after a nod from their parents and knew much better than to request refills.  I snuck them a little more with their dinners.  After cleaning their plates they did not even think about dessert, and when one of the mothers offered what seemed to be the youngest of the girls a cup of coffee, she replied, "Thank you, but I think I'll pass tonight," when she noticed no one else was having any coffee.

I have to reach a little farther back for my second example, when I was working at a high end steakhouse in center city Philly, lets call it "Davids."  The steakhouse was connected to a hotel, so we had no shortage of expense accounts and out of town businesspeople dining with us.  One night I was seated with a Japanese hotel guest, his wife and young son, maybe six years old at most, who had made the business trip as well.  The child, like his father, donned a three piece suit and red silk tie, tied in a double oxford knot. After making a similar approach to this table as I had with the girls- reccomending some child-friendly options- the young boy politely thanked me in perfect English, but deferred instead to a New York strip steak, done rare, with Gorgonzola sauce and a side of steamed asparagus.  I almost fell to the floor.  Now this is the type of place that when a child ordered a fifty-dollar steak, we would push it out on a cart and with much regalia, cut it up for him or her into bite-sized pieces to save the parents the trouble.  I knew that would not be necessary this night.  When presented with the steak, the boy proceeded to grip his silverware in the European style, cutting it perfectly down the middle; savoring one bite sized piece of corn fed prime beef at a time after dipping it lightly in melted bleu cheese.  That woozy feeling came rushing back and this time I really did feel as though I might hit the floor.

My point is that these children were taught it was an ablolute priveledge to be in a position to eat out, a special treat they should really enjoy.  They are not bored or exasperated by it like many American children who eat out in some form every day.  These are not the children that let me stand at the table for five minutes, poring over four children's menu items and refusing to order, despite the embarrased and desperate pleas from their mothers.  "David's" didn't even have a children's menu and my young friend knew that being a steak house, we must have had a  New York strip on the menu, his choice of sauce and side dish were merely a bonus.  So after dining out at a high end restaurant myself this past Sunday with my prized eight month old nephew, I've decided that if parents were to teach their young ones how priveledged they are to have someone else cook their food and then serve it to them, I'd waste a lot less time during my busy shifts coaxing finnicky brats in into ordering the chicken fingers they knew they wanted all along.  And I'd certainly be sweeping up less cruhed Cheerios from under my tables!

Take a minute to think about whether a server has ever earnestly complimented your children on their restaurant behavior, and until next time, remember 20% is always expected (and maybe add a few more percentage points for messy or unruly children).